The Legend of the Streaker
by MillieBee
Summary: AKA 'The Legend of the Seeker': Ridiculed Because I Care. A comical take on the Syfy Channel fantasy series, inspired by the works of Darth Maligna, LittleKuriboh and That Guy With The Glasses.
1. Season One: The Legend of the Streaker

Inspired by the works of Darth Maligna, LittleKuriboh and That Guy With The Glasses, a girl with no sense of humour attempts to take a television adaptation of a book she loves and make it comical.

Please remember that this is all in good humour - I actually like both the Terry Goodkind books _and_ the TV series, so there's no need to get cross. Remember: "Don't take life seriously. Nobody ever gets out alive anyway."

Mild swearing and sexual humour - you are kindly warned. ;)

Now, without further ado, I present ...

* * *

**THE LEGEND OF THE STREAKER**

(AKA 'THE LEGEND OF THE SEEKER': RIDICULED BECAUSE I CARE)

_[Scene opens in a desert in the middle of nowhere that was definitely not in the book. This is calmly overlooked by the avid Terry Goodkind fans for now, as they excitedly recognise one of the two women running through it: Kahlan. The other is her sister, Dennee, who should be dead by now according to the books but that's quickly remedied as she gets shot down by the four heavily armed men pursuing them.]_

**DENNEE:** Oh damn it. Here, Kahlan, take my screentime.

**KAHLAN:** Gladly. Buh-bye!

**BOOK FANS:** _Kaylin_? It's pronounced _Kaylin_?

_[It's not the only thing this series will mess with. Let it go.]_

**EVIL MEN:** Grr!

**KAHLAN:** Running!

_[A big glowy green wall appears – the Boundary – which I'm pretty sure was meant to be invisible but ohwellnevermind. Kahlin magically blasts her way through and the evil men follow her.]_

**KAHLAN:** Still running!

**EVIL MEN:** Gotcha!

**RICHARD:** Hey, pretty lady, are you in trouble?

**KAHLAN:** Err …

**RICHARD:** I'm going to assume you are, and that you're not an escaped convict who's just been caught by the authorities, on the basis that you are wearing white, and only goodies wear white.

**BOOK FANS:** But Darken –

**RICHARD:** Shh! Only goodies! Now allow me to help you slaughter these nasty men who are obviously evil because they are in red.

_[Somewhere, far away, Light Yagami is looking very awkward indeed. But Richard hardly gets a chance to show off his slaughtering skillz because Kahlan immediately grabs one of the men by the throat and starts doing magic.]_

**KAHLAN:** Moon prism power! I mean … awesome magical eyes cinematography sequence, go!

_[Her eyes go black. The evil man's eyes go black.]_

**EVIL MAN:** I am now confessed. Command me, Mother Confessor.

**KAHLAN:** Kill all of your friends!

**RICHARD:** Yep. She's definitely a goodie.

_[Once all of the evil men are dead – including the confessed one__, who … jumped over a cliff or something – Kahlan and Richard start walking through the woods. Did I fail to mention they're in the woods now? Oh. Whoops.]_

**RICHARD:** Exposition time! I'm Richard Cypher, AKA Mister Kind Of Cute But Not Butch And Muscley Enough To Be Richard To The Book Fans.

**BOOK FANS:** Damn right, weed! Darken Rahl had better be blond and gorgeous!

_[The people working in wardrobe worriedly hide a black wig behind their backs.]_

**RICHARD:** And you?

**KAHLAN:** I'm Kahlan Amnell, Moth – err – Woman Of No Magical Importance Whatsoever.

**RICHARD:** So what's a Mother Confessor?

**KAHLAN:** Nothing.

**RICHARD:** What does 'confessed' mean?

**KAHLAN:** Nothing.

**RICHARD:** What did you do to that evil man?

**KAHLAN:** Nothing!

**RICHARD:** _[Pause]_ Are you a nun?

_[After much bickering about whether or not Kahlan is Catholic, they reach the house of Zeddicus Zul Zorander.]_

**RICHARD:** This is the crazy chicken man. I can't pronounce his name, so I call him Zedd.

**ZEDD:** Hi! I'm naked but I have a chicken over my crotch so it's okay. What can I do you for?

**KAHLAN:** Hello First Wizard.

**RICHARD:** _[Gasp!]_ Zedd's a _wizard_? The tall, kooky old man with long white hair that wears a robe? Who'd have thunk?

**ZEDD:** How did you know?

**KAHLAN:** Easy. All wizards have unpronounceable names and chicken fetishes. Now then, evil people from D'Hara have invaded my homeland and we're all bloody useless so we need you to come and rescue us by choosing a True Streaker, and if you don't I'll confess your ass off because I'm the Mother Confessor.

**RICHARD:** I _knew_ you were a nun!

**ZEDD:** Fine. You can have Richard. Richard, here's a shiny sword. Try not to cut yourself on it. Can I go back to my chicken now?

**KAHLAN:** Nope. You're coming with us.

**RICHARD:** Will somebody _please_ explain to me and the audience what a confessor is?

**KAHLAN:** Oh alright. I spent half of the book keeping it a mystery bit I don't think I could stand your whining. I have the power of love.

**FRANKIE GOES TO HOLLYWOOD****:** _The power of love! A force from above!_

**KAHLAN:** No! This series is already bad enough. We're not having a musical number. Anyway, with one touch, I can mentally warp people to love me so much they'll do anything I command. It's a curse from which they'll never recover until the day I die.

**RICHARD:** _Definitely_ a goodie.

**KAHLAN:** Further exposition time! This is the Book of Counted Shadows. It gives you evil powers. You need it to open the Boxes of Orden, which give you … even more evil powers … and that's what your now-evil-nemesis Darken Rahl is after. He's King of D'Hara and wants to rule the world for no adequately explained reason.

**ZEDD:** I thought it was because I murdered his father with wizard's fire in front of him when he was a child and in the process accidentally scorched off half of his co–

**KAHLAN:** Nope! He's just evil. Now onward, to glory!

_[They leave the forest and journey to Kahlan's homeland, completely ignoring Richard's brother Michael and the awesome Chase along the way, because they're just not important enough characters for this satire.]_

**BOOK FANS:** Mud people time!

**KAHLAN:** Nope! No time to befriend the indigenous people. Must be making tracks!

**BOOK FANS:** So what now?

**KAHLAN:** About twenty episodes of filler, angst, and helping people you've never heard of. And then possibly an episode recapping all of the filler, angst, and helping people you've never heard of.

**ENTIRE AUDIENCE:** Oh boy …

**ZEDD:** Look! Recognisable characters! In tight red leather!

**BOOK FANS:** Yay! Mord Sith!

_[This time, they are right. There are Mord Sith in this series.]_

**RICHARD:** Why are they wearing tight leather catsuits and carrying dil–

**ZEDD:** Agiels! They're carrying agiels! It's because they're the fanservice for the men watching this series.

**RICHARD:** Who's the fanservice for the women?

_[In the People's Palace, D'Hara.]_

**RAHL:** Hello I'm Darken Rahl. I'm not blond like the book repeatedly described and I'm not wearing white but all the ladies will forgive me because I am mind-numbingly gorgeous. You will all now look up Craig Parker and weep when you discover that he's gay.

_[It's true. :'( ]_

**RAHL:** Fanservice time!

_[He licks his fingers and touches his lips. Half of the women in the audience faint.]_

**RAHL:** Hmm. I don't think I should do that again. Better do something evil to put them off.

_[He kills a random by-passer. It doesn't work.]_

**FANGIRLS:** _[Sigh, drool, swoon, et cetera …]_

**RAHL:** Damn. Someone bring me Carl. That scene should put them off.

**HENCHMAN:** Sorry, sir. Carl was cut from the series.

**RAHL:** What? Well where's Demmin Nass? I can be creepy with him.

**HENCHMAN:** No, sir. He was cut, too. Probably considered too mature.

**RAHL:** Well of course. It's not like 'True Blood' is popular, is it?

_[Back to the plot … sort of.]_

**ZEDD:** Now Richard, you need to be careful around the Mord Sith. They'll probably want to capture you and torture you for information. So will the Sisters of the Light, for that matter, and the Sisters of the Dark, but they don't come in until Series Two. Luckily, nearly all of the confessors are dead so we don't need to worry about them.

**RICHARD:** What is it with all the psychotic dominatrix femme fatale cults in this series? Was Terry Goodkind gynophobic or something?

**ZEDD:** Richard, you're not being careful. You'll get captured.

**RICHARD:** Oops I got captured.

_[The Mord Sith whisk him away to their lair and chain him up half naked.]_

**DENNA:** Hello. My name is Denna and I will be your facilitator for the duration of your time here.

**RICHARD:** Which will entail …?

**DENNA:** Me repeatedly beating you into unconsciousness.

**RICHARD:** Wha–? I'm chained up topless and sweaty and a woman in tight leather is circling me with a dil–

**DENNA:** Agiel!

**RICHARD:** –in her hand and nothing remotely kinky is going to happen?

**DENNA:** Ayep.

**RICHARD:** I don't even get any agiel sex?

**DENNA:** Nope. Now allow me to cheerfully torture you off-screen for several days.

_[Several days later.]_

**RICHARD:** I'm in paaain … D':

**DENNA:** You know what, I've changed my mind. Maybe be can have agiel sex after all.

**RICHARD:** _[Half dead.]_ Yaaaay …

_[Kahlan and Zedd suddenly burst in.]_

**KAHLAN:** Richard, we're here to save you!

**RICHARD:** Nooooo …

_[They kill Denna and unchain Richard.]_

**OTHER MORD SITH:** Flee!

_[They flee.]_

**KAHLAN:** Richard! We were so worried and I missed you so much and I've decided I'm in love you!

**RICHARD:** Oh goodie. Can we get naked now?

**KAHLAN:** _[Giggle.]_ Oh silly! We could never do that! I might accidentally confess you and then you wouldn't be able to defeat Darken Rahl!

**RICHARD:** You _are_ a nun, aren't you? :(

**KAHLAN:** Nope. Honest. :)

**RICHARD:** Now what?

**JENNSEN:** Boo! You don't know me but I'm your sister. We have the same mother. Isn't that awesome? Anyway she's dead now so I'm off to do God-knows-what for a while. Toodles!

**ZEDD:** Careful now! If you're anything like Richard, you'll get yourself captured really easily.

**JENNSEN:** Oops I got captured.

_[Henchman manages__ to hit her on the head in exactly the right place to give her a handy bout of amnesia.]_

**JENNSEN:** Where am I? Who am I? Why am I asked you all of these questions?

**RAHL:** Ooh, opportunity for conniving!

**JENNSEN:** Huh?

**RAHL:** Uhh … I'm the goodie, see, and Richard Cypher is an icky baddie. Be on my side and you can have this kitten.

**JENNSEN:** Yay, kitten!

**FANGIRLS:** You see! Darken Rahl's not _that_ evil! He gives out kittens!

**ALL:** _[Face palm.]_

**RAHL:** Anyway, as you have amnesia I guess this is a good time for exposition. It turns out that you are Richard's mother's daughter and Richard's mother's ex-lover is my father.

**JENNSEN:** Which makes us …?

**RAHL:** Practically no relation at all, but it makes Richard Cypher my BROTHER! Rawhahahahahaha! I mean – err – boo hoo, my brother is a baddie.

**BOOK FANS:** What – no! You're his _father_, Rahl! Richard is you son! Search your feelings; you know it to be true!

**RAHL:** Sorry. Craig Parker is too young and sexy to have a grown up son. Now Jennsen, go out and get the Boxes of Orden for me.

**JENNSEN:** Okiedokey! Can I take my kitten?

**RAHL:** Err, no. Kitten stays here.

**JENNSEN:** Bye then!

_[She meets Richard.]_

**JENNSEN:** Eww, you're an icky baddie.

**RICHARD:** No I'm not. Darken Rahl is the icky baddie. I'm the goodie.

**JENNSEN:** Oh! I just conveniently got my memory back. So you are.

**RICHARD:** Well that was a pointless venture.

**JENNSEN:** This whole series is a pointless venture. By the way, Darken Rahl is your brother. Bye now!

_[She waltzes away.]_

**RICHARD:** Uh-buh-buh – WHAT? Did anyone else know about this? Are there any _other_ people hanging around who just happen to be my relatives?

**ZEDD:** Oh, yes, I'm your grandfather.

**KAHLAN:** And there's always Nathan, but he probably won't ever come into this series so don't worry.

**RICHARD:** Right. Is that all?

**ZEDD:** Yes, I think so.

**KAHLAN:** Seems to about cover it.

**RAHL:** BOO!

**RICHARD:** Gah! What're you doing here?

**RAHL:** Well, we've covered all the sub-plots the writer can remember so now we're skipping to the finale. By the way, I now have all three Boxes of Orden and the Book of Counted Shadows. I don't know how or why but I'm winning right now so I'm not going to question this particular plot hole.

**RICHARD:** Kill him! Kill him quick!

_[He draws the sword and promptly cuts himself on it.]_

**RICHARD:** Owww!

**RAHL:** Did I mention I brought all of my hos?

_[A hundred Mord Sith appear from nowhere.]_

**MORD SITH:** Hi Richard! Remember us?

**RICHARD:** Meep. These women are scarier than the fangirls.

**RAHL:** Believe me; they're not.

_[There is a collective sigh from the fangirls.]_

**RAHL: **For God's sake, I killed a kitten to get these nutcases away from me! Yes, that's right. Jennsen's kitten is dead.

**FANGIRLS:** Nice try, but we've all read the book by now. We know you're a vegetarian.

**RAHL:** Damn it!

**RICHARD:** Umm … here to kill you. Remember?

**RAHL:** Oh. Yes. Magic time.

_[He starts doing evil magicky stuff.]_

**RICHARD:** Rawr, no!

**MORD SITH:** Rawr, yes!

_[Kahlan jumps in and tries to confess Darken Rahl. At the same time, Richard tries to stab him with the sword and one of the Mord Sith hits Richard with her agiel. Richard and the random Mord Sith woman vanish like an old oak table, leaving the others looking very baffled.]_

**KAHLAN:** What just happened?

**RAHL:** Don't know. Don't care. I think I just won.

_[He opens the Boxes of Orden, becomes all-powerful, blows Zedd up into teeny tiny pieces, has Kahlan captured and, in a nutshell, wins. The End.]_

**AUDIENCE:** Wait – what?

_[__Just kidding! Richard and that Mord Sith woman suddenly wake up in a wasteland.]_

**RICHARD:** Where are we? Is this the place Kahlan was running through in the first episode that was never explored or even mentioned again?

**MORD SITH:** No, dumbass, we're in the future.

**RICHARD:** How do you know? And who are you?

**MORD SITH:** I'm special, that's how. And my name's Cara. I'm going to be a main character in Series Two, so you should start getting on with me pronto.

**RICHARD:** Agiel sex?

**CARA:** Unlikely.

**RICHARD:** Damn. So what the Hell is going on?

**CARA:** The audience haven't worked that out yet. It requires flashbacks.

_[Flashback to the People's Palace.]_

**RAHL:** Hello there Kahlan!

**KAHLAN:** I'mma kill you.

**RAHL:** Actually, you're going to marry me.

**KAHLAN:** Why? We're enemies.

**RAHL:** Because I want the fangirls off my back, and I can just threaten and blackmail you into it.

**KAHLAN:** _[Rolls up sleeves.]_ Confessing time!

**RAHL:** It won't work. The collar around your neck is a plot device that prevents you from using your magic. Also, it's quite kinky.

_[They get married.]_

**FANGIRLS:** Fanservice!

_[Nope, the wedding night was cut. We'll just go straight to Kahlan having his babies.]_

**AUDIENCE:** This is getting much too fanfictiony.

**RAHL:** Yay! A boy!

**KAHLAN:** _[Gasp!]_ But he'll have my confessor powers and male confessors are always evil! Even more evil than you, Darken Rahl! Even more evil than the people who wrote the script for this travesty of a TV show!

**RAHL:** Will he kill kittens?

**KAHLAN:** With one look.

**RAHL:** _Why_?

**KAHLAN:** Because, despite the many psychotic dominatrix femme fatale cults in this series, women are just better than men. For once, sexism is working out for the feminists.

**RAHL:** It's not working that well. We're keeping it.

**KAHLAN:** I have a feeling I won't be surviving to this kid's adulthood.

_[She doesn't even survive to his puberty. The boy kills her.]_

**RAHL:** Wow. You're almost as evil as me.

_[The boy kills him.]_

**RAHL:** What … the … a grown man destined to kill me failed, but a ten-year-old child can kill me easily? WHAT IS THIS?

_[Stop talking, Rahl. You're dead. Darken Rahl's son takes over the world and turns it into the wasteland that Richard and Cara are now standing in.]_

**RICHARD:** Well that didn't help our situation at all.

**CARA:** Nope. I'm off.

**RICHARD:** Don't you want to magically return to the present?

**CARA:** Not really. I'm going to find the other Mord Sith.

**RANDOM BY-PASSER:** The other Mord Sith are all dead.

**CARA:** This is somehow Darken Rahl's fault. Let's magically return to the present so I can kill him.

_[They magically return to the present.]_

**RICHARD:** That was easy. And hey look: Zedd, Kahlan, the Mord Sith and Darken Rahl are all still alive!

**CARA:** I can kill him, but I need a distraction. Any ideas?

**RICHARD:** You know what? Yes. Yes, I have an idea. I've just had an epiphany. The greatest, most profound realisation of my life. I think I know, now, what it means to be the True Streaker.

_[He runs out in front of Darken Rahl buck naked.]_

**RICHARD:** OI, RAHL! LOOK WHAT ZEDD DIDN'T SCORCH OFF _ME_ AS A CHILD!

**RAHL:** I'M DISTRACTED!

**CARA:** _[Agiel stab.]_

**KAHLAN:** _[Confess.]_

**RICHARD:** _[Sword stab.]_

**ZEDD:** _[Magic.]_

**RAHL:** _[Gasp, choke, die, explode.]_

**RICHARD:** That was pretty easy too.

**KAHLAN:** Put some clothes on.

**RICHARD:** Not a chance.

**CHASE:** Hey look, I'm here and I have a child with me!

**RACHEL:** Hi.

**RICHARD:** Is that important?

**CHASE:** I don't remember.

_[Regardless of Rachel's importance, they all go home for tea and cakes, while the book fans try to beat the series out of their heads with the novels they loved so much, and the fangirls weep over their lost villain, consoling themselves that they'll probably see Craig Parker again in Series Two.]_

**THE END**

**?**


	2. Season Two: The Streaker Returns

You asked for more, and so I created more. Thank you to **MudstarMord-Sith**, **Shoveler**, **FallenOutTheWindow**, **Nicky**, and **TheSilentWatchman** for your comments, and to anyonewho may comment in the future - or even if you don't, and just enjoy reading. Most of all though, you can all thank my mother. She encourages this lunacy more than anyone.

Swearing and sexual humour as before - be warned. ;)

And so I give to you ...

* * *

**THE STREAKER RETURNS**

(AKA, THE SYFY CHANNEL HASN'T RUN OUT OF FUNDING YET)

_[The scene opens far less dramatically than Season One, with everyone having a party in some kind of barn. I don't know where this is supposed to be.]_

**BOOK FANS: **Mud people!

_[Yes, yes, let's go with that.]_

**RICHARD:** And that's the story of how I defeated Darken Rahl by running naked in front of him.

**TAVERN WENCHES:** _[Awed.]_

**KAHLAN:** Richard, put some fricking clothes on. You're not impressing anybody.

**TAVERN WENCHES:** _[Still awed.]_

**KAHLAN:** Extras don't count.

_[Something suddenly smashes in through the window.]_

**KAHLAN:** Oh good God, it's the plot for Season Two!

**ZEDD:** No, no. Just a horrifying monster.

_[He freezes it in a fountain and smashes it.]_

**ZEDD:** Hmm … those sorts of monsters come from the Underworld. Let's go and investigate!

**KAHLAN:** I smell plot …

_[The main characters go off to investigate.]_

**RICHARD:** So, err, Kahlan. What with Darken Rahl being dead and the only threat to the world eliminated and you being madly in love with me and all … how's about some confessor sex?

**KAHLAN:** Well I don't see why not. I mean, you _are_ already naked.

**ZEDD:** Richard, put your clothes. Kahlan, stop considering taking yours off. I've found the plot. I mean; a rift.

_[There's a big glowing green crack in the ground.]_

**KAHLAN:** That looks healthy.

**ZEDD:** It's a rift into the Underworld itself, which can only mean … THE KEEPER IS COMING TO DESTROY US ALL!

**RICHARD:** I think I speak for everyone when I say: Who the crap is the Keeper?

**ZEDD:** Oh, silly Richard. You know – the Keeper. The one who rules the Underworld. The place where all evil souls go after they die.

**RICHARD:** Oh, you mean the Devi–

**ZEDD:** Keeper!

**RICHARD:** And this is my problem because …?

**ZEDD:** You're the True Streaker. It's your destiny.

**RICHARD:** Oh God. This show just went up five notches in cheesiness.

_[Meanwhile, in the People's Palace. I think.]_

**MORD SITH #1:** Cara! You killed Darken Rahl!

**CARA:** Yeah, it's a long story. See, if he'd lived, his son in the future would have killed us all for no particular reason. I know this because I briefly magically travelled to the future.

**MORD SITH #2:** And you didn't just wait until he had this son and kill the _child_ because …?

**CARA:** Be … cause … damn it.

**MORD SITH #3:** Let's punish her.

**CARA:** In the kinky lesbionic agiel sex kind of way?

**MORD SITH #4:** No. In the stealing your agiel, cutting off your plait, and beating you to a bloody pulp kind of way.

**CARA:** Again, damn it.

_[Out in the woods.]_

**RICHARD:** _[Trips over.]_ Oof! Who put this dead Mord Sith in my way?

**CARA:** I'm not dead.

**RICHARD:** GAH!

**CARA:** I had my agiel taken from me. I've been de-Mord Sith'd.

**RICHARD:** Aww, poor Cara. Can we keep her?

**ZEDD:** Richard, she's a dangerous killing machine, not a puppy. Of course we're keeping her.

**KAHLAN:** I don't trust you.

**CARA:** Well, as Richard is Darken Rahl's brother –

**BOOK FANS:** _[COUGH__**SON**__COUGH!]_

**CARA:** – he's technically the new Lord Rahl and therefore my master.

**KAHLAN:** Oh. Okiedokey. I trust you now.

**RICHARD:** I'm King of D'Hara? Sweet! I mean … oh no … I don't want money or power or to be loved for not ruling like a tyrant.

**KAHLAN:** Good boy, Richard. Have a Streaker Snack. _[She throws a biscuit at him.]_

**RICHARD:** Roh boy!

**CARA:** Tell me, does the stupidity in our merry band get worse than 'Scooby Doo' references?

**ZEDD:** Oh God yes.

**RICHARD:** Hey look, more Mord Sith! HEY! HEY! CARA'S FRIENDS! WANT TO JOIN US TOO?

**CARA:** _[Kills them and takes their agiels.]_ I'm back, baby. And wearing my leather catsuit lower cut than ever.

**RICHARD:** _[Drools.]_

**MEN IN AUDIENCE:** _[Drool.]_

**KAHLAN:** That's lovely. Now what the Hell are we meant to be doing, anyway?

**ZEDD:** Looking for the Stone of Tears. I don't know how or why, bit it will somehow fix everything. Here's a dandy compass to lead us to it.

**KAHLAN:** Ohh, pretty! _[She goes to take it.]_

**ZEDD:** Ah-buh-buh! Only Richard can read it. Richard! Stop staring at Cara's ample cleavage and tell us where to go.

**RICHARD:** Zedd?

**ZEDD:** Yes?

**RICHARD:** I got captured.

**ZEDD:** Oh, for the love of –!

_[In a big pretty temple.]_

**PRELATE:** Hello, Richard. We're the Sisters of the Light. We're going to teach you how to become a good, peaceful wizard.

**RICHARD:** You captured me, put a magical collar on me, and hid me away from my friends – and you're the _good guys_?

**PREALTE:** Ayep!

_[Back in the woods.]_

**ZEDD:** Okay, let's use the compass to find Richard before he meets the Sisters of the Dark, too.

**KAHLAN: **I thought it pointed to the Stone of Tears!

**ZEDD:** It points to whatever the plot requires.

**CARA:** And I thought only Richard could use it!

**ZEDD:** I'm special.

_[Back in the pretty temple.]_

**PRELATE:** So, Han is basically another irritating magical thing. It's your life force. You use it to do magic, bit if someone steals it from you, they steal your magic.

**RICHARD:** I have a horrible feeling that's going to be happening a lot.

**PRELATE:** Oh, you have no idea.

**RICHARD:** Can I go now?

**PRELATE:** Nope. You can never leave. There's a prophecy that says you'll hand the Stone of Tears over to the Keeper, and as prophecies have always turned out exactly as we expected them to in the past, we'll just have to keep you locked up here forever.

_[Back in the woods.]_

**KAHLAN:** Zedd, you clearly don't know how to read that thing.

**ZEDD:** Of course I do.

**KAHLAN:** You're holding it upside-down.

**CARA:** Look, there's a nice man over there. Let's ask for directions.

**ZEDD:** I'M NOT ASKING FOR DIRECTIONS!

_[Back in the pretty temple.]_

**NIKKI:** Aw, Richard, you look sad.

**RICHARD:** I want to go home. :(

**NIKKI:** Won't the mean old Prelate let you leave? Don't worry; I'll get you out of here.

**RICHARD:** Gosh, thank you! What a nice, pretty lady!

**NIKKI:** :)

_[Back in the woods.]_

**KAHLAN:** Are we there yet?

**ZEDD:** No.

**CARA:** Are we there yet?

**ZEDD:** No.

**KAHLAN:** Will we be there in two more episodes?

**ZEDD:** Yes.

**CARA:** One more episode?

**ZEDD:** Yes.

_[…]_

**KAHLAN:** Are we there yet?

_[Back in the pretty temple.]_

**NIKKI:** Now you've just got to give me all of your Han and I can get that collar off of you.

**RICHARD:** Okiedokey!

_[Back in the woods.]_

**ZEDD:** Durrrrrr – hey look!

**CARA:** Is it the Sisters of the Light?

**ZEDD:** Nope. Squirrel.

_[Pause.]_

**ZEDD:** _There _are the Sisters of the Light! Hello, we're here to rescue Richard.

**SISTERS:** Uhh, about that. We were trying to look after him, then a Sister of the Dark came along and stole of his Han, and now he's running through the Valley of Perdition.

**BOOK FANS:** Isn't it the Valley of the Lost and the _Towers_ of Perdition?

**ZEDD:** Shush now!

**KAHLAN:** Oh, look, Richard hasn't run that far! I can see him.

**ZEDD:** No! Don't step in the desert. You'll start hallucinating and go crazy and never get out!

**KAHLAN:** How come Richard's okay?

**RICHARD:** … we muffins do not dance the tango …

_[His eyes roll back and he faints.]_

**KAHLAN:** See? Perfectly fine.

**CARA:** I'll get him.

**ZEDD:** No!

**CARA:** Oh, come on! He's three feet in front of me!

**ZEDD:** That's three feet of waltzing muffins and then you're dead.

**CARA:** … I'll get a lasso.

_[With __the aid of a lasso and lots of fun pretending to be cowboys, they eventually pull Richard back to safety.]_

**RICHARD:** But who speaks better than the parrot! Oh, hi, guys.

**ZEDD:** Here's your stupid compass. Now where the Hell are we going?

**RICHARD:** This way. Oh, look! There's a load of women running screaming at us.

**ZEDD:** Fangirls?

**RICHARD:** No, that's my friend Nikki! HI NIKKI!

_[He gets shot down.]_

**KAHLAN:** Richard, you moron!

**RICHARD:** Remember me … as a Streaker … _[Dies.]_

_[The Underworld.]_

**RICHARD:** Where am I? Why is it green? Why am I naked? Why is everybody else naked? Is this an orgy?

**RAHL:** Not quite.

**RICHARD:** HOLY CRAP – oh it's okay you're wearing clothes.

**RAHL:** Yeah, the fanservice won't come 'til later. This scene is just to make the fangirls jittery.

**RICHARD:** I thought I killed you.

**RAHL:** Yeah, we're in the Underworld.

**RICHARD:** Wait – what! I spent my _life_ fighting evil! How did I end up here!

**RAHL:** Karma's a bitch, huh? And while we're on the subject of karma: you streaked me to death! You bastard!

**RICHARD:** Aw yeah! :D

**RAHL:** I SAW YOUR PENIS!

**RICHARD:** My beautiful, un-scarred, not-scorched-off penis!

**RAHL:** I'LL KILL YOU!

**RICHARD:** Aren't I already dead?

**RAHL:** RAAAAWR! D:

_[The land of the living.]_

**KAHLAN:** Alright, moron, wake up.

**RICHARD:** GAH! I just had the weirdest dream! And none of you were in it!

**KAHLAN:** That wasn't a dream, you idiot. You died. Cara brought you back to life.

**RICHARD:** Mord Sith can do that?

**CARA:** Yup! You'd think, as a murderous, psychotic, sociopathic killer, it would be against my principles, but apparently not!

**RAHL:** Guess who else came back to life today!

**RICHARD:** What the Hell!

**RAHL:** See, I had a body double and found this spell to put my soul in his body and … well, long story short, I'm here to appease the fangirls, because your stories are so dreadfully boring. Here, this scroll should tell you what to do with the Stone of Tears.

**RICHARD:** _[Reading.]_ "Messers Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs think Severus Snape should keep his greasy nose out of other people's business …"

**RAHL:** Oops! Wrong scroll. Here, this one tells you what to do with the Stone of Tears.

**RICHARD:** Are you on our side now? Do you want to join our merry band?

**RAHL:** Nope, not really. By the way, the scroll can only be read by the light of a night wisp. Toodles!

_[He nances off.]_

**KAHLAN:** What just happened?

**RICHARD:** I think the fangirls are holding the writers' children for ransom.

**KAHLAN:** Ah, that explains a lot. Let's go to the night wisps.

_[They go to the night wisps. The whole forest has been destroyed.]_

**KAHLAN:** Oh, the humanity!

**RAHL:** Boo! I killed all the night wisps! Mwahahahaha! Well, actually, not all of them. I have this pregnant one here. Now gimme the scroll.

**RICHARD:** Why? You gave it to us in the first place!

**RAHL:** The writers got their children back. I'm evil again. Gimme or I'll squidge her.

**KAHLAN:** Why would you hurt a poor little fairy?

**RAHL:** _[Takes the scroll.]_ Have you _heard_ these things? "HEY! LISTEN! LISTEN! LOOK! HELLO! LISTEN!" It's enough to drive you crazy.

_[He reads the scroll, then burns it.]_

**RAHL:** Ha! Now only I know, and you'll be forced to let me join your merry band to find out, and I can bask in the glory that is being a goodie!

**RICHARD:** We asked if you wanted to join us not five minutes ago! You said no!

**RAHL:** I changed my mind. I want to be a goodie.

**RICHARD:** And you thought you'd start your career with the mass slaughter of fairy kind?

**RAHL:** Err …

**RICHARD:** Never mind. Kahlan, take the flipping night wisp before he changes his mind again and squidges her.

**CARA:** I'll take her. She's to go to this special place to have her babies, and I see a chance to develop my character by talking incessantly to my glowing fist for half an episode.

_[She takes the night wisp and begins to walk off.]_

**NIGHT WISP:** LISTEN!

**CARA:** No, _you_ listen, you little sparkly mosquito! When I was a little girl …

**RICHARD:** Kahlan, go with her and make sure she doesn't hurt it. We manly men can go and get on with this stupid quest.

**ZEDD:** Richard, the Sisters of the Dark are after us.

**RICHARD:** Oh, crap!

_[He ducks and Darken Rahl is hit.]_

**FANGIRLS:** NOOO! NOT AGAIN!

**RICHARD:** Jesus … okay, Zedd, go and find Cara. She'll give him the breath of life. I'll try and convince him to tell me what the scroll said _before_ he dies.

**ZEDD:** Toodles!

**RAHL:** Blegh …

_[Meanwhile, many miles away.]_

**CARA:** … and _then_ I finally joined Richard's merry band.

_[Pause.]_

**CARA:** Hello? Hello? Oh God, I think I bored her to death.

**KAHLAN:** It's okay, look; the babies survived.

**CARA:** Oh yay.

**BABY NIGHT WISPS:** HEY! LOOK! HEY! LISTEN! HEY! HEY! HEY!

**CARA:** Let's get out of here. They're pissing me off already.

**ZEDD:** Hello! Darken Rahl get shot. We need Cara to bring him back to life.

**CARA:** What did you lot even _do_ before I was around?

**ZEDD:** Gathered human body shields. Lots of them.

_[Back with Richard and Rahl.]_

**RAHL:** Okay, Richard … the secret of the scroll …

**RICHARD:** Yes?

**RAHL:** The scroll said …

**RICHARD:** Yeees?

**RAHL:** It told you to …

**RICHARD:** Yeeeeees?

**RAHL:** Take the Stone of Tears and …

**RICHARD:** Yeeeeeeeees?

**RAHL:** Take the Stone of Tears …

**RICHARD:** Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees?

**RAHL:** AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE! _[Dies.]_

_[Pause.]_

**RICHARD:** GOD DAMN IT!

**CARA:** Calm down, Richard. I just happen to be here now to bring him back to life.

_[She brings him back to life. The fangirls breathe a collective sigh of relief.]_

**RAHL:** _[Gasp!]_ AHAHAHA – oh shit! Um … I was just kidding around …?

**RICHARD:** :(

**KAHLAN:** :(

**CARA:** :D Agiel torture time?

**ZEDD:** No. No, I kidnapped this random mind-reading child to tell us what the scroll said by reading Rahl's mind.

**CHILD:** I see dead people …

**ZEDD:** That's nice. Now, do as the plot requires.

**CHILD:** _[Sigh.]_ Fine. You have to take the Stone of Tears to the Pillars of Creation on the Summer Solstice.

_[The Book Fans are gagged before they can complain.]_

**RAHL:** Bye!

_[He somehow zips away.]_

**ZEDD:** Alright. Back to running around aimlessly searching for the Stone of Tears. Here's the compass, Richard.

**CHILD:** Your mother searches for the Stone of Tears in Hell!

**ZEDD:** Oh go away, you demented, stereotypical psychic child.

_[He goes away. They all begin to walk around, following the compass's direction__s.]_

**KAHLAN:** Where are we?

**ZEDD:** I'm bored.

_[Several episodes pass.]_

**CARA:** If we don't find some plot soon, I swear I'm going to stick my agiel in my –

**RICHARD:** :D

**CARA:** – ear. That's how you kill someone with an agiel, you know.

**RICHARD:** There are no words to describe how disappointed I am right now.

_[Meanwhile …]_

**RAHL:** I'm naked in a swimming pool!

**FANGIRLS:** _[Struggle not to drown in their own drool.]_

**HENCHMAN:** Is there any point to this scene, besides fanservice?

**RAHL:** Nope! Now go away, you're ruining it. And capture Cara while you're out there.

_[Back with the not-so-merry band.]_

**CARA:** This is ridiculous! Do you see how low-cut I'm having to wear my top to keep the audience's attention? Do you!

**RICHARD:** Don't worry, Cara. We all see. :D

**CARA:** Zedd, if it turns out we're walking around in circles because you put the Stone of Tears on a necklace around a little girl's neck and she's lost in the Valley of Perdition, you cannot _fathom_ the pain I will bring you.

**ZEDD:** Don't be ridiculous. That couldn't possibly happen in the series.

**CARA:** Why not?

**ZEDD:** Because it was in the book. Now watch out, you're about to be captured.

**CARA:** What!

_[She gets captured.]_

**ZEDD:** _[Sigh.]_ I'll rescue her. You two fetch the Stone of Tears.

_[Richard and Kahlan go skipping off.]_

**RICHARD:** Confessor sex now?

**KAHLAN:** No.

**RICHARD:** Now?

**KAHLAN:** No!

**RICHARD:** How about n–

**KAHLAN:** Would you look at that, we've reached the secret magical place where the Stone of Tears is kept! And there's a whole load of people here!

**RICHARD:** Damn it!

**PEOPLE:** Here's the Stone of Tears.

**RICHARD:** Oh. Thanks. How overly trusting and helpful of you. Are you sure you don't want to fight to the death over it or something?

**PEOPLE:** Nope. We're peaceful. You can keep it.

**RICHARD:** Cool. We'll be going now.

**PEOPLE:** Actually, you won't. You're trapped here for eternity. :)

**RICHARD:** … confessor sex?

**KAHLAN:** No.

_[Meanwhile, in Darken Rahl's evil shag pad.]_

**MORD SITH #1:** It's a good thing Cara's a lesbian, or that plan never would've worked.

**CARA:** I'M A WHAT!

_[She glares at the writers.]_

**WRITERS:** Fanservice!

**RAHL:** Cara, stop giving the writers evils and let me use my evil magic to make you a villain again.

**CARA:** Oh fine.

**ZEDD:** I'm here to rescue you!

_[He rescues her.]_

**CARA:** Hooray!

**ZEDD:** Now I'm going to rescue Richard and Kahlan!

_[He rescues them.]_

**KAHLAN:** Gee, you're being helpful today!

**RICHARD:** And we have the Stone of Tears now!

**ZEDD:** Hooray!

**CARA:** Yoink!

_[She steals the Stone of Tears and runs off.]_

**ZEDD:** Bugger.

**RICHARD:** What now?

**ZEDD:** Oh, I know! I'll make it so Cara never became a Mord Sith! Then she won't have turned evil again and stolen the Stone of Tears!

**RICHARD:** If you can do that, why don't you make it so that Darken Rahl was never born? Then this whole awful series would never have happened!

**ZEDD:** He has _fangirls_, Richard. You just don't mess with them.

_[Zedd makes it so that Cara never became a Mord Sith.]_

**ZEDD:** GAH! Where am I? What happened?

**RICHARD:** We're at the People's Palace. You just pronounced me and Kahlan husband and wife.

**ZEDD:** Why are you wearing Darken Rahl's coat?

**RICHARD:** I'm King of D'Hara now.

**RAHL:** And I am your humble and friendly advisor. I've become such a good and happy person since Richard obtained the Power of Orden and mind-controlled me as Cara wasn't there to stop him in Season One. Oops! That's the fangirls calling. Must dash, I have toenails to paint!

**CARA:** And I'm a reasonably happy peasant woman with two beautiful children and absolutely no bitterness in my life. How I love not having been kidnapped and tortured my whole life!

**ZEDD:** My God, this world is wonderful. Richard rules fairly over a peaceful and thriving kingdom; Kahlan's confessor powers apparently mean bugger all here; Rahl gets on with his fangirls; Cara's actually happy about something other than causing pain and suffering … it's perfect.

_[Pause.]_

**ZEDD:** THIS WORLD MUST BE DESTROYED IMMEDIATELY!

_[He magics everything back to how it was.]_

**RICHARD:** I'm a filthy peasant. :(

**KAHLAN:** My confessor powers will destroy anyone I love. :(

**RAHL:** I'm evil and I hate fangirls. :(

**CARA:** I'm bitter and psychopathic. :(

**D'HARAN PEOPLE:** We're poor and starving.

**ZEDD:** Ahh … much better. Oh yes. Cara's still evil.

_[He magics Cara back to being good.]_

**CARA:** Why didn't you just do that in the first place!

**ZEDD:** Shut up! Let's go to the Pillars of Creation.

**RICHARD:** Look! A little boy!

**BOY:** My family were all slaughtered. Can I hold the Stone of Tears?

**RICHARD:** Why certainly, innocent and totally unsuspicious child.

**ZEDD:** Richard, that's the Keeper.

**RICHARD:** Whoops!

_[He snatches the stone back.]_

**KEEPER:** Curses. Foiled again.

_[They arrive at the Pillars of Creation.]_

**RICHARD:** Should I start Streaking?

**ZEDD:** No, that's not necessary. Put the stone down.

_[He puts the Stone of Tears down. The sun rises. There's a flash of light.]_

**RICHARD:** That's it? We've won?

**ZEDD:** Ayep.

**CARA:** How anticlimactic.

**KAHLAN:** What about the problem of my confessor powers destroying Richard if I sleep with him?

**ZEDD:** Hmm? Oh. That. Oh, you can't confess Richard. He's already so much in love with you, confession cannot make him love you more.

**KAHLAN:** Seriously? That's _it_? Some 'Harry Potter' style _true love conquers all_ bullshit?

**ZEDD:** Aha.

_[They all look at the Book Fans.]_

**BOOK FANS:** We would complain, but that is actually the same explanation as given in the book.

**KAHLAN:** Huh. So we actually _can_ have confessor sex now. Richard, there's some bushes over –

**RICHARD:** I'm already naked.

**KAHLAN:** So you are.

_[And so Series Two is__ ended. The Book Fans wonder wearily why they even bothered to hope things would improve, Cara and Zedd try very hard to imagine Richard and Kahlan are fighting in the bushes, and the Darken Rahl fangirls suddenly realise that he survived this series, and there is much celebration.]_

_[If you want to see more of this silliness in the future, Google 'Save Our Seeker' and sign the petition to keep Series Three. Face it, it can't get much more screwed up than it already is.]_

**THE END?**

(I should bloody well hope not!)


End file.
